Dawn’s Weblog

My missional leap was to move away from corporate/government career paths to full time ministry. I started an organization called Healing Streams to provide support for Christian leaders (seminars, counselling, spiritual direction). I saw how brokenness, burnout and misunderstanding was propelling ministers out of ministry and felt called to help restore them to once again be who they were called to be (whether in official ministry or not), to return to their “first love” (Jesus Christ), and to move with lightness and joy (dance with Jesus). I was very quickly refocused to delivery our services internationally - to the war-zone in DR Congo to be exact. I found the culmination of my counselling psychology training, doctoral work in education, and  seminary studies in Old Testament theology along with a very long and painful personal healing journey had uniquely prepared me to bring hope and healing to Church and Community leaders in Eastern Congo.  What a joy its been to be able to see some of the fruit that Jesus promises us if we abide in him!  But if you feel despair in reading that, let me add that there were many years of just plain hard work, obedient trudging in the same direction, and times of sheer darkness.  I didn’t know if I would ever get to see how my obedience would impact more than one person at a time, never mind impact a nation.  Its rather humbling and awe-inspiring of the one who selects the most unlikely candidates and says, “You…yes you…go”.  Along the way we’ve found joy in selling our family home and buying a townhouse condo - very freeing. Its shocking who God will use if we let go of our preconceptions (and stuff) long enough to let him lead in the dance!

p.s. I’d love to see those dance moves of yours Len, maybe you could capture some on You Tube.

Today over 50 bloggers are participating in a synchro-blog on the topic “What is Missional?” On the list I discovered this entry from an old fellow seminary student and I felt such strong agreement that I wanted to pass it on…

As I pondered on what to say about “missional,” I decided to use the lens of pastoral theology. So much of what we are and do is shaped by our own need: need to see the impact of our actions; need to be relevant; need to be understood; need to be loved. But God’s goodness flows from a different place. I will speak of mission from John 15:4-6 and then talk about two things that masquerade as missional.

I am going to sing to the Lord God Yahweh as long as I live!
I am going to serenade my God with music as long as I am here!
May my poetry make him happy..

–I, at least, am going to be happy and enjoy it with Him,
the covenanting One! Ps.104 30,31

I’ve been known to whirl and spin my way across the living room. It’s one of those things I don’t advertise. I take a page from Carolyn Arends, “dance when no one’s watching.. nobody but You.”

It’s just the joy of life, and a brain that plays tunes on “random shuffle” in quiet moments, whether Arends, Bell, U2, Cockburn, Doerksen, or whomever. Really, June in Kelowna is stunning in a way unique to desert landscapes in the wet season. Wild flowers and cultivated flowers blossom everywhere, everything is green and vibrant, and now that sunny days have arrived, “the sky is a painful blue.”

One simply cannot not dance and leap and sing in such a world. It would be an insult to the Creator not to respond with celebration. In God’s world there is only the dance, and “we are the music while the music lasts.”

I know.. the connection to missio Dei isn’t quite articulate here. Or is it? If we define mission narrowly as something future or other-worldly, there is no connection. But if we use a different lens we might say that creation is, “the dance of the Lord in emptiness..” a dance all around us here and now. We might take a cue from Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove that, “The [spiritual] life is by its very nature “ordinary.” It is precisely the ordinariness of … life that makes true conversion possible. When a person is no longer distracted by the emotional illusions that passing trends and extraordinary events create, she has the opportunity to cultivate a life of the Spirit.” Or we might take a cue from Hopkins and talk about the glory of God shining all around us: “glory be to God for dappled things!”

But the connection I had in mind when I started can be described in a single word: joy, and its near relative, gratitude. If we know these two words in our experience, they result in something spontaneous and profound, something so near to our hearts that when it bubbles up we can’t contain it: praise.

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise Him!

Let me be explicit about this: mission is the overflowing joy of a Trinitarian God manifest in the material world. It is founded on the spontaneous and extravagant abundance of love and joy in the eternal relatedness of Father, Son and Spirit. It is the river of God’s goodness flowing between heaven and earth, founded in covenant love (”Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven”). Mission is the earthly fruition of an eternal dance.

Writing on John 15:4-6 Henri Nouwen says,

Speaking of himself as the vine and his disciples as the branches Jesus says:
“Make your home in me as I make mine in you.” This is an invitation to intimacy. Then he adds: “Those who remain in me with me in them, bear fruit to plenty.” This is a call to fecundity. Finally he says, “I have told you this so that my own joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.” He promises ecstasy.” (Lifesigns, 11)

Missio Dei is nothing more than our participation in the joyful, ecstatic, overflowing fruitfulness of God. “Those who remain in me bear fruit in plenty.” Our task in response to this overflowing joy of God is to invite others to dance. In Henri’s words, we invite them to the house of love.

There are only two houses in the world: the house of fear, and the house of love. Even those of us born into caring families soon learn that the world isn’t entirely safe, and that our families are not perfect. We begin to search for a true home.

In this world millions are homeless. Some are homeless because of inner pain, while others have been driven from their homes by war. Others experience homelessness in prisons, mental hospitals and nursing homes. Some of us have experienced it in large congregations while wearing masks that say, “I’m ok.”

And our world is filled with fear. The evening news celebrates it. We ask many anxious questions about the survival of our families, our environment, and our world. Nouwen writes, “We are so accustomed to fear that we do not hear the voice that says, “Do not be afraid…” Yet it is this voice that announces a whole new way of living…” Jesus invites us to the house of love.

Fear prevents the fruitfulness of mission and has two results: sterility, or productivity. Nouwen writes,

“Sterility is the most obvious response to fear. When we feel surrounded by threats we close ourselves off and no longer reach out to others, with whom fruitful relationships might grow. The more afraid we become, the more we withdraw.” (45)

The experience of sterility is like a living death. We are not truly alive, and therefore we cannot give life. Nouwen comments that even in the First World this is a common experience. Many have lost any hope of actively participating in the shaping of a good future. Being bored while being busy is an ominous symptom of this disease. Nouwen relates the story of the woman at the well in these terms. Jesus recognized her spiritual sterility and offered her the possibility of fruitfulness: “the water that I shall give will become an inner spring” (John 4:14). She moves from the house of fear to the house of love and becomes a fruitful missionary to her village.

But the opposite impulse is also born from fear: productivity. A call to live a fruitful life is not necessarily a call to be productive. In our world productivity looks like success. But this is not always the case. Nouwen writes,

“In our world, everything can become a product: not only cars, houses, books.. but also friends.. and important decisions. They can all become something we have “made” [and] gives us a sense of being acceptable [that] we are what we make. Productivity.. takes away our fear of being useless. But if we want to live as followers of Jesus, we must come to know that products, successes, and results often belong more to the house of fear than to the house of love.”

Here Nouwen strips away the veneer of success and the apparent relevance of busy lives. In a world dominated by technos and the myth of progress, we cease to know ourselves except through our acts. But the house of love calls us to a deeper place.

In the same way, joining in the missio Dei is not a call to productivity. It is the call to know and be known and to allow God’s joy to fill us, so that all we do is an expression of his life in us. When we abide in the house of love mission becomes a spontaneous expression of the dance of God in emptiness (it’s no coincidence that Philippians 2 contains an early hymn).

Those of us in any of the streams of renewal, whether it be missional, monastic, or emergent, are tempted to become activists in view of the need for change. But Nouwen would remind us that the world desperately needs “irrelevant” leaders. Elizabeth O’Connor writes,

“We are not called primarily to create new structures for the church in this age; we are not called primarily to a program of service, or to dream dreams or have visions. We are called first of all to belong to [worship] .. to belong to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, and to keep our lives warmed at the hearth of his life. It is there the fire will be lit which will create new structures and programs of service that will draw others into the circle to dream dreams and have visions. ” (Call to Commitment, 94).

As Merton puts it, “We are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the winds, and join in the general dance.” (New Seeds of Contemplation, 297)

Participating Bloggers

Alan Hirsch
Alan Knox
Andrew Jones
Barb Peters
Bill Kinnon
Brad Brisco
Brad Grinnen
Brad Sargent
Brother Maynard
Bryan Riley
Chad Brooks
Chris Wignall
Cobus Van Wyngaard
Dave DeVries
David Best
David Fitch
David Wierzbicki
DoSi
Doug Jones
Duncan McFadzean
Erika Haub
Grace
Jamie Arpin-Ricci
Jeff McQuilkin
John Smulo
Jonathan Brink
JR Rozko
Kathy Escobar
Len Hjalmarson
Makeesha Fisher
Malcolm Lanham
Mark Berry
Mark Petersen
Mark Priddy
Michael Crane
Michael Stewart
Nick Loyd
Patrick Oden
Peggy Brown
Phil Wyman
Richard Pool
Rick Meigs
Rob Robinson
Ron Cole
Scott Marshall
Sonja Andrews
Stephen Shields
Steve Hayes
Tim Thompson
Thom Turner

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My sister JoAnne is a deep thinker…C.S.Lewis, Anne Lamott, and some famous photographer whom I haven’t yet met…all rolled into one. You can read her experience with The Shack and The Power of Now here. At times it can be hard to extricate ones self from the sticky web of deep thinking - and every once in a while - preferably daily - we need a good laugh at ourselves. This one comes compliments of my 6 year old niece Jordan, via my sister’s blog:

The other day Jordan (my 6 year old) and I were changing in a tiny little changeroom at a waterpark. We had enjoyed the sun and water all day and it was time to get going. For me this process also involved removing my prosthesis and liner, and wiping excess moisture off my residual limb, and then putting it all back on again. It’s a bit of a lengthy process. Jordan, long changed, was sitting and waiting for me. Then we had this little conversation:

Jordan: Mom, you know really are pretty slow sometimes.

Me: Mmmm Hmmm

Jordan: I know why you’re slow, mom.

Me: (amused) Why’s that?

Jordan: Because of all the stuff in your head.

Me: (Now I’m paying attention) What kind of stuff?

Jordan: Well, like all those thoughts you have about what you all have to do, you know, all your worries and stuff.

Me: (I’m completely taken aback at the wisdom of my little girl). Really.

Jordan: Yeah, and you know it makes you tired mom.

Me: Yeah, that’s true enough. So what should I do about all the stuff in my head Jordan? (Here I’m starting to think that maybe God’s speaking to me through my little girl…and I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth…get the complete message lol).

Jordan: Well, um….you should just…you know…shake your head really hard and get them out. (Lots of activity here as she’s shaking her head and waving her hands for emphasis).

Me: You mean I should ‘Give my head a shake’? (OK…I always knew God had a sense of humour but this really had me laughing!)

Jordan: Yeah!

JoAnne’s blog entry goes on to describe in words, song, and photography (I think she got the creative genes in the family) how this little episode reminded her to keep dancing. And if you haven’t had your laugh for today…check out this Dancing Machine posted by Mark Petersen.

This phrase from William Young’s book “The Shack” has captured my imagination this last while.  Learning to live loved, what would that look like? I think back to the time in my late twenties when as a young seminary student I realized that in spite of a deep and passionate love for Jesus, I wasn’t able to feel his love in return.  Perplexed, I remember standing in the bedroom in the house we were renting, and telling God I was willing for him to do what it would take for me to experience his love.

The next several years were a hard uphill battle.  It started with a fight with my husband - he’s really very nice but there was a skirt I wanted to buy and he said…well, I don’t think he actually said it made me look fat - but that’s what I heard.  That led to several days of not so mature conflict management in the form of angry silent treatment (who knew counsellors and seminary students could be so vain and so human!).  Finally my anger fumed into a full-fledged dissociative episode. I was terrified, I couldn’t feel anything, I honestly didn’t know what was happening to me.  The shock snapped me back to reality…but I was still angry.  We were on our way to a Vineyard conference in L.A. and I attended a workshop that talked about the need to forgive those who wrong us…instead of being convicted (or in spite of)- I walked out! Something was definitely out of sorts because normally I was a gentle, meek, people pleaser (well except for that brief angry feminist stage). During a break, I walked to my husband and abruptly told him in front of our friends that I was forgiving him out of obedience to God but not because I felt like it.  Well, our marriage survived that little episode and I might have written it off to immaturity except that the roller coaster ride had just begun.  God was uncovering the layers to my heart, he was answering my prayer. A month or two later, I found myself increasingly depressed.  I’d sit on the couch and cry for no apparent reason, I snapped at my kids, I had trouble with daily tasks.  The counsellor needed help.  My husband actually dialed the phone for me when I admitted I needed help…I couldn’t do it.  During one of my counselling sessions, I recalled a dream where my parents, sisters and I were traveling in a car.  My parents were in the front seat and I was on my mother’s lap - but I couldn’t feel her arms circled protectively around me because I was in a steel box.  I had no idea why I was in a steel box but I sensed it was there to keep out something painful.  No wonder I couldn’t feel God’s love - I lived in a steel box, or maybe one made of titanium.  Over time I lgained the courage to face my pain, and the steel box was transformed into - I wish I could say love, or peace or joy - but actually it was transformed into sheer pain. The pain in my heart was so great and so constant when I was healing that I would refer to it as a waterfall of pain (think Niagara Falls!).  But this was not pointless pain, and this was not me “getting worse” - instead, and interminably slowly, I was healing.  I was learning to live loved.  Today my life is filled with joy, painful events are put in perspective, I laugh and cry and suffer and celebrate in season, thanking God that I am alive, for truly, once I was dead inside and now I live.  Learning to live loved was a painful process for me, but what birthing process comes without pain?  The joy I feel is firmly rooted in an experience of the power of Jesus love that penetrates even steel boxes. This experience gives me hope for every person who comes into my office…that no matter how deep their pain, God’s love goes deeper still.  I’m still learning to live loved - I think it will be a life journey.  And I’m very grateful that its not all as intense as the portion described above. I invite you to lean into Jesus love…and hang on for the ride!

The impact of hormones on human behaviour is quite entertaining…until it happens to you! Yes, I remember fondly the days of joking about estrogen poisoning when I was young and naive. It was the day before I went into labour with my eldest. I was in a shopping mall and acting like a space cadet! I’d walk away from sales clerks in the middle of conversations. I’d buy things I didn’t want. I ignored nice people. Estrogen poisoning. Twelve years later, same baby was dealing with his own hormone soup, this time however it was testosterone poisoning. My husband and I would laugh at slammed doors, moody behaviour etc…it was either that or tear out our hair. PMS was a bit much but when I thought about the balance between monthly hormonal surges versus daily struggles with testosterone, I decided I had a better deal…at least my struggle was time limited…till now…da da daaaah - enter perimenopause - the phase of life when hormones make the big play to take over and win the game! Forgive me everyone whose hormonal struggles I ever laughed at (hows that for good grammar). I want to lie down and say “uncle” but there’s just a little too much fight in me…plus I just blogged about the Power of Now…what to do, what to do. Life’s just a bowl of…soup!

I had a bit of an attitude when I purchased the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Begrudgingly I parted with my hard-earned $8.29 and even more with the time taken to delve into its pages when each moment is preciously guarded for the writing of my doctoral thesis. I was well aware of the Christian evangelical backlash to the book that combines spirituality (of any flavour) with psychology. That was enough to make me curious. In addition, I was tired of people being horrified by Oprah’s apparent fall from grace. We love to put people into boxes don’t we. Someone uses a descriptive label, such as Christian, and we think it means the same thing for them as it means to each of us. So Oprah calls herself a Christian and endorses an author who says there are many ways to God. Why must the evangelical right rise up in self-righteous horror? When did we become the gatekeepers of Oprah’s understanding of Christianity? I recently read the following story of some of Jesus’ followers. A man named John said, “Master, we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we tried to stop him, because he is not one of us.” “Do not stop him,” Jesus said, “for whoever is not against you is for you” (Luke 9). I’m not a big fan of Oprah’s show, nothing personal, as a therapist I get enough real life drama in my counselling office…but I’m also not a big fan of destroying a public leader because we can’t keep them in the box we created for them.

So, back to “The Power of Now”. My sister told me how much it helped her with her depression so as the token therapist in the family I thought I’d better check it out. Immediately the key to Tolle’s message became clear…if we can live in the present, acknowledge and learn from the past, but live in the present…we are immediately freed up from a lot of garbage. “Am I okay right now?” is a good question to ask yourself whether anxious about the future or depressed or feeling guilty about the past. If the answer is yes, observe the feelings connected to the past or the future but don’t embrace them. The imagery that I find helpful is to think of sniffing the aroma of a pot of soup. When we come home and check what’s cooking (for those of us lucky enough to have a partner or spouse who cooks!) , we lift the lid and take a whiff…we don’t jump right in the pot and take a swim! The same is true of observing emotions and thoughts attached to the past or the future, we take off the lid and take a whiff, acknowledge if it smells good or bad, and then go on with what we need to do next (my husband hopes its an offer to make the salad). Living in the present also does not mean denying the swirling emotions from the past or future. That would be equivalent to denying you can smell the soup…how silly is that! Find the happy medium - from your place in the present observe the emotions attached to the past or future. Tolle says, “Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it–don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make an identity for yourself out if it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of “the one who observes,” the silent watcher. This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.”

Let me know how it works for you…oh yeah and if you’re a Christian and get anxious about being misled…read on…

So being a hard-core Christ follower, did I have a bit of a struggle with the generic spirituality? Sure I did. But we read literature all the time that isn’t written by Christ-followers, from the newspaper to trashy novels. We watch media that promotes diverse spiritual values…usually covertly. So Tolle is being overt about his understanding of spirituality…good for him I say. I’m overt about my understanding as a Christ follower as well so I think we can get along. I’m only on page 68 so my opinion may change but right now I say thank you to Tolle for starting a conversation that multiple faiths can join together in. Isn’t that what Jesus was all about on earth? It seems to me he had little time for the rule-keepers called the Pharisees and a lot of time for those whose lives were messy, whose religions were suspect, and whose reputations left a lot to be desired (read the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman for starters).

Just my opinion..
I’d love to have you join the conversation.

Jotham was discharged from the hospital yesterday and made the 6 hour car trip to Kitchener with his dad. He’s recovering mobility amazingly well. He can move (slowly) with crutches and manages the stairs in our 3 story townhouse as long as no one is in a hurry. We are grateful that Joan’s mother-in-law has gifted Joan with a brand new car. Jotham was driving Joan’s mid-90’s Toyota. Joan’s mother-in-law had met Jotham once (Jotham was living at Joan & Bob’s in Ottawa while doing a summer internship) and wanted to help. Joan did not have collision insurance because of the age of her car. Joan’s excellent driving record also means we don’t have to worry about increased car insurance premiums for her - this is a freebie. Jotham is covered under his Manitoba Driver’s license for personal injury and he gets to hire family to do personal care! We anticipate the salary replacement and rehab expenses will be fully covered. There is something to be said for public insurance! Of course there are other expenses like deductibles and traffic tickets but we are very grateful that not only will Jotham recover, but also that he won’t have the burden of a huge debt load. Thank you for you prayers. We are well…and did I mention grateful? Dawn

At about 5:30 p.m. Friday, our son Jotham (21) was in a car accident while
crossing a bridge in Ottawa. He was in Ottawa for the summer doing a
summer internship with an MB church plant under Chris Stevens. Jotham
was driving and another summer intern, Kiersten (daughter of Ed &
Karen Willms, St Catherines) was a passenger. Jotham rear ended a pick-up
truck that was stopped in the lane in front of him. The other vehicle and
passengers are fine. The car Jotham was driving was totalled. Jotham
sustained a laceration on his right eyelid/brow that required 7 stitches.
He remained conscious even though his head hit the steering wheel. His
knee smashed against the dash and was badly injured. His patella broke
into 3 pieces, and cartilage and tendons were badly ripped. Fortunately
for him, the best orthopedic sports surgeon was on call and operated on
him that night. He was able to wire the patella (knee cap) together and
repair the damage. Jotham is now in recovery and progressing nicely. His
pain is being managed with medication and he has a very positive attitude.
He started with physio the first day (Sat) by standing up and taking a few
shuffling steps with a walker. Today he took more steps and started on
crutches. We are very grateful that he is alive and stable. We hope he
will regain full range of motion with his knee. Kiersten had no critical
injuries but will have to recover from pretty severe whiplash (not fun!).

I (Dawn) was to present a prayer seminar on Saturday at Ed and Karen’s
church in St Catherines so they were very understanding when I called to
cancel. I left for Ottawa that night and adrenaline and the prayers of
my family brought me safely to the hospital by 3 a.m. Jotham was still in
recovery from surgery so I was able to talk to him for a few minutes
before they moved him to a room on the ward. Ross was leading a retreat
for West Hills Church and as we were getting mixed reports on how badly
Jotham was injured he waited to hear from me before leaving the retreat, picking up Matthew and joining me in Ottawa.
Chris and Adrienne Stevens spent the first night with Jotham and Kiersten
until all the parents descended and we are very grateful to them for all
the support they provided as well as the regular updates by phone I
received while driving to Ottawa. Jotham’s host family, Bob & Joan have
graciously provided a place for us to stay while Jotham is recovering. We
don’t know when Jotham will be able to travel home to Kitchener. The
earliest is probably Tuesday. Matthew and I returned to Kitchener today.
Ross will stay in Ottawa until Jotham is released and bring him home.

For those who thought we were in Africa, the trip had been delayed till at
least August for which we are now very grateful! God is looking after his
children in the midst of crisis!

Thank you for you love and prayers. I’ll write an update when I know more.

With love & gratitude, Dawn

Okay, so who feels guilty now!? Actually we decided to put Taffy down (humanitarian murder) and my husband says it was very peaceful (I was too chicken to go - no offense to chickens intended). So Taffy’s gone and we’re adjusting. In the words of Ross, “So what’s the point of going for walks and runs now?”…hmmm.

On a more redemptive note, I finished the book The Shack. You have got to read this book and tell me what you think! It’s an amazing encounter of a broken bitter man with his loving caring God. I was entranced, I laughed, I cried…I often couldn’t wipe the smile of total delight off my face. This is one of those recommendations from clients that leads to my conclusion that I gain more from being a counsellor than they gain from seeing one! So…go directly to Chapters (through the link on the Healing Streams website of course so we get 5% back) and BUY THIS BOOK! It’s not very often that I encounter a book that so profoundly speaks to my heart about Jesus…it may just be me (and everyone who recommended the book to me) but I challenge you to read it for yourself and see if you return unchanged!

Well I have to say I’m both disappointed and excited that the Healing Streams train-the-trainer seminar trip to DRC will be delayed again. There are so many new opportunities and developments brewing for CSCODI (our Congolese host organization) and for Healing Streams that we can’t help but think that this delay is providential.

For example, CSCODI has applied for a grant that could open doors to long term involvement with traumatized people in DRC. They’re also filling a container with medical supplies for the Mother-Child clinic that will be shipped in July.  At the end of June they are interviewing medical personnel for possible future involvement in the clinic.  All this is very exciting in the tumultous road of humanitarian work in the DRC!

Healing Streams continues to investigate opportunities to present our post-trauma train the trainer material in the locations hardest hit by war atrocities including rape and torture.  My doctorate research is in the area of recovery from cumulative trauma and all evidence points to the Healing Streams protocol for intervention in post-war zones as meeting the standards for best practice protocol.  This includes combining appropriate Western intervention strategies with culture-specific understandings of trauma and healing, assessing the needs of the community together with local community leaders, developing a training manual representing the balance of appropriate Western strategies and community specific interventions, training local mental health and community leaders in the interventions and then handing over the service to local providers.  We look forward to continuing to expand our services into war-torn communities through resourcing, training and partnering with affected communities.