Questions from participants can be challenging to address. In Ghana’ where I did a doctoral internship men would often reject their wives if it was discovered that they had HIV. The women told me they feared this rejection and so would keep their condition secret. They told me their husband’s attitude would be, “You are no use to me now.” If the husband also had HIV he would inevitably blame his wife for being unfaithful even if it was clear that he had been unfaithful and she had been faithful.
Now we are in Congo and a pastor stands and says, “My wife was raped and now has HIV. I am a man and cannot live without a woman. She gave me permission to marry another wife. Am I free to marry another wife?”
So very aware of the dangers of imposing one culture’s values on another we tread carefully. We discuss the various options of how to respond among ourselves. Kathryn reminds us that they can continue to practice intimacy with protection. Finally Ross responds and simply tells them what he would do. He says, “When I married Dawn I made a vow to her that I would remain faithful in sickness and in health. With God’s help I would try to be faithful to that commitment.” And then he turned to the man and asked, “What commitment did you make to your wife when you married her?”. There we solemn nods and murmurs of agreement in the room. The moderator seconded what Ross had said with a passage from scripture. But I wonder. How will this man in his cultural context come to terms with this. In this culture where a woman told Kathryn matter-of-factly that “men rape because the pressure builds up in them and they would explode if they didn’t have sex”, how will this man choose to honor or not honor his wife. Is his “right” to have sex any different that our perceived “right” to happiness in North American marriages? When does our longing for something become a reason to break a vow? In N.A. when someone’s partner is intentionally and repeatedly unfaithful or abusive we say the victim is free to leave their spouse. But in other situations it is less clear. I respect this man’s courage in presenting his situation to the group and in being open to receiving council. It seemed to me to be a community counselling session comparable to an individual counselling session in a Canadian context. No one was told what to do but there was plenty of wisdom shared that the participant could take advantage of.
